To go or not to go....that is the ????

The mail arrived today, as it does every day. Bill. Bill. Bill. Junk. Hmmmmm...something addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Mark Fugal. Usually, those are wedding announcements or thank you's. Since we've had 4 weddings in the last month, we assumed it was a thank you. Wrong. It was an invitation. Not a wedding invitation.... a graduation invitation.

I became friends with Breanna when she was just 5 years old. Our contact was typical where neighbors are concerned. BBQ's and fireworks in the summer, ward activities, etc. But I still vividly remember the first question she ever asked me directly. I was 24 years old. She was 7.

"Cori. Why don't you want your baby?"

She asked me that question 11 1/2 years ago while sitting by me during her family's Christmas party. We were playing "butt charades". (You spell Christmas words with your butt while others guess what the word is. It was hilarious!!) By then, I was 8 months pregnant and as big as a house. I had been invited to the family's Christmas party so that they could meet the birthmother who would soon place her child for adoption in their home and I could meet the people that would become my child's new family. I was nervous but welcomed warmly by Breanna's parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins. They were, after all, my next door neighbors. :-)

Breanna laid her head on my arm and out it came. "Cori. Why don't you want your baby." Somehow, I knew it wasn't about why I "didn't want my baby". Instead, it was "why didn't MY birthmother want ME."  Breanna had been adopted too. However, she did not know anything about her birthmother. Adoptions were much less open 18 years ago than they are now. Her younger sister had been also adopted several years after Breanna but they had met the birthmother/birthgrandparents. I was probably the closest thing to a "real" birthmother that she would meet, next to her own. I took her hand as the full weight of the question hit me. This was a question that had to be answered tactfully.

"I do want my baby Breanna. I love my baby. I want him to have both a mom AND a dad...with brothers and sisters that love him. I can't think of anyone better to be a big sister than you. He won't have that for a long time if he stays with me. Will you love him if I let him be your baby brother?" A big grin came over her face. "Oh yes. I'll tell him I know who his birthmother is and I'm lucky to be his sister." I don't know if this answered her question or not but it seemed to pacify her for the time being.

While I am not Breanna's birthmother, over the years, maybe I've been a face to the birthmother that she doesn't know. She has blossomed into a beautiful, talented young lady and I love her dearly. It's hard to believe that she is 18 already. I am looking forward to seeing her family again too. However, one fact slaps me out of my reminiscing like a glass of ice cold water........Bre's brother used to be my son.....He will be at the graduation....This is where the problem lies...

Brandon and I have corresponded a few times in the last year. However, I have not seen him since he was a year old. 10 years is a long time. I want this to be Breanna's day. This is not the time to be focusing on a "reunion" between Brandon and myself. With that said, we WILL see each other. This has caused me great anxiety. The vision/dream/reality of a birthmother/child reunion is one that is rehersed in the recesses of a birthmother's mind, quite often, especially as the child gets older...and even more so with open adoptions like I have. Expectations of the reunion are very different for each party. I am not concerned about his parents and myself. We were friends for many years before the adoption. Terri (Brandon's mother) and I spoke at local high schools about teen pregnancy and adoption for many years. Steve (Brandon's father) is a wonderful man and we have a great relationship. Not growing up with any brothers myself, he served as much more than an adoptive father to Brandon. He is the brother I never had.(Well...at least until my sisters got married.) :-) It's just that the logistics of working out a "non-reunion" reunion that will make everyone comfortable are staggering.

So the question is....to go...or not to go. I have emailed Terri and asked her advice. I am operating under the assumption that I will decide to attend Breanna's graduation. But how will I keep bottled up 11 years of emotion? How do I put 11 years of "I love you's" into a "Hi Brandon!" and a handshake while trying to keep it light and upbeat? What if he is expecting more "love" and is disappointed at the "reservation"...only because I am physically restraining myself from breaking down? It's enough to drive a person crazy.

All I can do at this point is pray. Pray that we will all know what to do when the time comes. This will be a joyous and melancholy day that just might kill me either way.